“How far we go in life will be determined by how fat we grow in faith”
- Samuel A. Ajayi (THE AMBASSADOR)
Do you feel over-burdened with the cares of this life so much that you feel like going under? Well, here are powerful inspirational jokes to get you smiling, and ultimately laughing. Please read on ...
LAZARUS CAME FOURTH
Little Bobby: Mom, why was nothing said about the other persons that Jesus raised from the dead together with Lazarus?
Mom: Oh dear, now were did you learn that there were other persons? It was only Lazarus.
Little Bobby: But mom, every time I read that verse I cannot help but assume that there were at least four persons.
Mom: Now why would you assume something like that?
Little Bobby: 'Cause Lazarus came fourth (forth)!
WHAT GOD HAS JOINED TOGETHER
A minister was talking to a children's Sunday School class about kindness to animals. He cited the Biblical references to substantiate his case.
"Now let's suppose," he said, "that you saw a bad person cutting off the tail of a cat. What Biblical quotation would you use to tell him of the terrible wrong he was doing?"
"I would point out to him," one of the class said, "what God hath joined together, let no man put asunder. (Mt. 19:6)"
THE DEAD CHURCH
A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services.
The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.
Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his
congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.
Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a
guilty, sheepish look.
In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.
A SURE CURE
Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church.
I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic.
I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church...
Haven't seen one back since!!!"
A RARE BOOK
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."
SOMEONE ELSE'S OBITUARY
Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else.
Someone's passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill.
Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years,
Someone did far more than a normal person's share of the work.
Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend,
one name was on everyone's list,
"Let Someone Else do it." Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person
was looked to for inspiration as well as results; "Someone Else can work with that group."
It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in our church.
Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.
Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes appearing superhuman.
Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else.
Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do.
Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it?
Who is going to do the things Someone Else did?
When you are asked to help this year, remember -- we can't depend on Someone Else anymore
ADAM, EVE AND APPLE
Some men were discussing the Bible. They were wondering how many apples Adam and Eve ate in the Garden of Eden.
First man: I think there was only one apple in the Garden.
Second man: I think there were ten apples. Adam 8 and Eve ate 2.
Third man: I think there were sixteen apples. Eve 8 and Adam 8 also.
Fourth man: I think all three of you are wrong. If Eve 8 and Adam 82, that would be a total of 90 apples.
Fifth man: You guys don't know how to add at all. According to history, Eve 81 and Adam 82. That would be a total of 163 apples.
Sixth man: Wait a minute! If Eve 81 and Adam 812, that would make a total of 893 apples.
Seventh man: None of you guys understand the problem in the slightest. According to my figuring, if Eve 814 Adam and Adam 8124 Eve, that would be a total of 8,938 apples in the garden.
At that point all of the men gave up.
A MIRACLE TRANSFORMATION
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
THE BROKEN TABLETS - ANOTHER VERSION
An angry God was standing at the foot of Mount Sinai. Moses had just descended. At the foot of the mountain lay the two tablets of the Ten Commandments, shattered in a thousand pieces. "What have you done?" demanded God. "Didn't I tell you to deliver the Ten Commandments to the children of Israel?"
"Yes, Lord," said Moses. "But a man dressed in a brown robe in a flying brown chariot with gold letters on the side appeared to me at the top of the mountain. He told me he would deliver the Ten Commandments to the children of Israel. I thought you sent him."
"I most certainly did not," said God. "What were the letters on the side of this chariot?"
Moses stooped and wrote three letters in the sand. Pointing at them, he pronounced, "Oops" (UPS).
FUNNY BIBLE QUIZ
Q: How do we know that cars are in the New Testament?
A: Because Jesus was a car painter!
Q: Where do you find rain gear in the Bible?
A: On the book of Goloshes. (Colossians).
Q: How do you study the Bible?
A: You Luke into it.
Q: How do we know that Jesus raised cattle?
A: Because he had a pair 'o' bulls (Parables).
Q: How do we know that Jesus raised vegetables?
A: Because he said. "Peas be upon you." (Peace be upon you).
Q: How do we know that Jesus used fertilizer?
A: Because he said, "Lettuce spray." (Let us pray).
Q: How do we know that Jesus made coffee?
A: It says so in the book of He Brews. (Hebrews).
Q: Who were the three shortest men in the Bible?
A: Bildad the shoe-height, Knee-high Miah, and the man who fell asleep On His Watch.
Q: Where did the murderer hide his weapon in the Bible?
A: In the Book of Axe. (Acts).
Q: How do you know when Enoch is at the door?
A: 'E knocks.
Q: What's the first Supreme Court case in the Bible?
A: Joshua Judges Ruth. (Joshua, Judges, Ruth).
Q. How long did Cain hate his brother?
A. As long as he was Abel.
Q. At what time of day was Adam created?
A. A little before Eve.
Q. Why should we be encouraged by the story of Jonah and the whale?
A. Because Jonah was down in the mouth, but came out all right.
Q. Did Eve never have a date with Adam?
A. No, it was an apple.
Q. When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Noah took Ham into the ark.
Q. Why was the woman in the Bible turned into a pillar of salt?
A. Because she was dissatisfied with her lot.
Q. On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
A. Quackers.
Q. Where is the first math problem mentioned in the Bible?
A. When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.
Q. Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?
A. Because they were using "fowl" language.
Q. How do we know that the disciples were very cruel to the corn?
A. Because they pulled its ears.
Q. Which animal on Noah's Ark had the highest level of intelligence?
A. The giraffe.
Q: Why was Adam a famous runner?
A: Because he was first in the human race.
Q: Did all the animals on the ark come in pairs?
A: No the worms came in apples.
Q: Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A: The thought had never entered his head before.
Q. Where is the first math problem mentioned in the Bible?
A. When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.
Q. Did Eve never have a date with Adam?
A. No, it was an apple.
Q. At what time of day was Adam created?
A. A little before Eve.
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